Heavy heart. Heavy head.

“I am ready to kill myself” she said, sobbing into her hands. I had always suspected this was the way I would lose her. My heart snapped. I reached over and put my hand on hers. “I love you. I need you in this world. I am barely surviving. Without you I won’t survive.” I told her. I felt selfish; I wanted to let her take her own life if she wanted to. She’s suffered for so long and there would she find the most peace.

I did not know what to say. I had always felt that this world was not for me and I felt like such a hypocrite telling her to stay. “What did you do?” I asked. It was quickly shot down with the words “I can not tell you. Never, ever ever. I’m a horrible, selfish, awful person.” “You are not.” I replied, “When the Doctors gave up on me, when everyone in the world said I would never walk. That I would never function like a human being. Who was there? You were there! The only person. Now look at me, not one of those motherfuckers out there notice. I owe a lot to you.” She smiled behind the tears running down her face.

I grabbed her glass and filled it up with another Vodka and Coke. I hated seeing her drink, but I knew that it took the edge off life. I poured a strong 50/50 and handed it back to her. She sipped it and acknowledged what I had just done for her. “Thank you” she whispered.

“I am hanging on by a thread” I told her. “I can not lose you. I can barely take any more of life myself. Please don’t go. Not yet” I begged her. “I promise I won’t let you find me” she replied. I wanted to cry but I could not. I had heard her say it twice in my life before, but never with such conviction. I had watch her break down every day for weeks and then be berated with such anger and viciousness while she was; letting her cry into my shoulder as I tried to take her away from reality.

“You need to leave.” I told her. “I can’t. I don’t have money.” This was futile, she was not ready to leave. Not yet. Could I leave after a job? Could I leave her while she was like this? What if she took her life and I could prevent it. “Right now; I need to focus on the immediate threat of her hurting herself” I thought to myself.

“I am going to bed” she said as she slung her body to her feet and walked out. My hands caught my head as I dropped. It was extremely heavy. “I love you. Please don’t do anything” I screamed after her. What was I meant to do? How was I meant to stop her? I had no idea.

I caught a tear making its way over my lip. How long had I been crying? I tried to earlier but I couldn’t. “Fuck!” I screamed to myself. I knew there was a good chance that I would wake up tomorrow without her.

I emailed my brother explaining the situation. There was a series of phone calls to the house which he spoke to her, where she kept hanging up. He emailed me to pick up this time. “Whatever happens; know none of it is your fault” he told me, slurring. He was drunk; fuck. “Okay.” I said lying. I would never forgive myself if she took her life, not that I would probably be around for much longer. “I’ve done my best. You need to get some sleep.” he told me.

I sat on my laptop, mulling over things in my head, talking to my amazing friends. I managed to tire myself very badly and headed to bed. There was nothing I could do anymore.

I woke up in panic. Is she about? Is she alive? Is she okay I wondered to myself. I heard her downstairs on the phone. I rolled back over and drifted back off, with a smile on my face. For now anyway; I know she was fine. Tomorrow; I didn’t.

Hunger For Knowledge

I’m ALWAYS wanting to be learning. I’ve taught myself design, development, front-end, strategy and so on from reading books and online tutorials. Every day I make sure I’ve learnt something that’ll affect every future day. I used to do this with language, but lately I’ve been lax. I will try to do it again. My latest hunger has been photography. For the last 3 months, I must have read or watched a book or tutorial for at least 2 hours per day. I’ve actually run out of resources. I’ve gone through 100s of pages on websites. I need more resources. I’ll keep reading. I get so much less happy if I am not learning.

Who I Strive To Be.

I try to touch everyone’s life for the better. Even if slightly. I want to have bettered everyone I meet, or bettered their overall life quality. To have helped them smile, and helped them when hey needed it most. I want to be thought of kindly. I never want to do any harm; I’d rather just not have touched that person’s life. I want to show people all the good they don’t see about themselves and remove the useless negative thoughts. I want to push them to chase their dreams and to give them a shoulder when things don’t go their way. I want to be a friend and let them know that I’ll always give them advice, never manipulate and always be brutally honest. I want to give a reason for people to smile. I want to let people know that when they think they have no one, they do have someone. I want to better the general populous in a domino effect of kindness. I want to make a difference, and to help out those who would maybe not receive help in any other way. I want to let people know that they are not the only people who have gone through what they have, and that you can come out the other side a better human being. I want to help people realise that anything is possible if they apply themselves and to never give up no matter how silly. To let people know that whoever they are there is always someone out there for them and to only accept their worth. And to have everyone with a smile on their face as they realise these things.

I think I do a good damned job at it. I’ve never manipulated, and I’ve kept every promise, and I’ve always been there when people have called on me. I’m still finding my balance to not let people think of me as a doormat though,